I know you feel like home should be a safe place, like you shouldn’t exist in the walls of our house. I know you insist that being around the people we grew up with, bled with, laughed with, and adventured with should erase any reason for unease. I know that you think familiarity should mean no surprises or cause for panic.
However, the last three weeks have proved that to be false. You have been racing through my mind like a child given too much sugar. You blurt out nonsense and run into doors. You are bouncing off walls and screaming as you run through the hallway into my bedroom. You jump on my bed and refuse to let me sleep – because if you are awake then so am I.
You’re overwhelmed, I understand that. But Anxiety, we have got to settle down. We can’t lay on the floor, shaking, unable to climb into the bed that is right beside us, chest aching because you decided to read all the files on Dad’s health. Anxiety, I know that this is not easy. I’m not saying that you need to act like everything is okay. I’m saying that the only reason we got into bed should not have been that we didn’t want to keep someone, who had to work in the morning, awake.
Your motivation for trying to be better should not be to make sure everyone else is comfortable and okay.
At some point, everyone else will be okay and you will have to be better for yourself… or we are just going to stay stuck here forever. Anxiety, you can’t expect a place to be the thing that controls you. Yes, people and places can help, but they aren’t going to fix us. Stop asking them to.
Anxiety, we are fighting a war with ourself. We can accept help and support. We need that help and support. We need those allies who stand by us, no matter how weak we feel. They are crucial. BUT. But they cannot fight our battles. They cannot tell our mind “No” when it tries to self-destrict or tries to convince us that we are useless. Only we can do that.
I don’t have much else to say to you right now, but I think that I will write you again soon. Who knows, maybe I’ll write to you a lot? You are a pretty big part of my life. So I guess that’s it for now. Please, just think about what I said? We can come up with plans to work on it later.