Magic Shows and Illusions

Illusions have always been one of my favorite things. Watch a magic show and see a rabbit get pulled out of a hat or a person completely disappear. The key to a good illusion is to get the audience to see what you want them to see. Get them to look at your right hand when they should be watching your left.

Sometimes my life feels like a magic show. I don’t ever seem to know what’s really going on and I’m never paying attention to what I should be focusing on. I’m like that person that is always babbling about how it’s not real. It’s fake. You shouldn’t be fooled. And yet, at the show, I still don’t see what’s happening. I know it’s an illusion. I know that if I looked past all the grandeur I would be able to see what I’m suppose to be seeing. Yet here I am, caught up in the distractions.

I could give excuse after excuse as to why I am so distracted. My Dad is dying. My brother is dying. I’m moving 1,000 miles away in two months. I have so much to do before I leave. And of course, all the doubts in my head… Am I ready? I’m probably going to fail. Are the people I’m going to live with still going to even want to acknowledge my existence at the end of the year? What if I can’t do it? What if I fail? What if? What if? What if?

These worries. These shadows. These illusions. They are consuming me. I fight them with all my might. But I am too weak. How do you fight looking at your Dad and thinking, “Dear God, please let him be here when I come home.” Or visiting your brother because you may never see him again. How do you fight of the feeling of defeat when you feel like you are running out of time? And what are you suppose to do when your biggest fear is that others will see you the way you see yourself?

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you. Ephesians 1:18

Look past the illusion.

It’s funny the things God will use to help you see past the illusion. Maybe it’s reaching a goal you didn’t think you would reach. Or that person you always feel inferior to telling you that they feel the same way you do. They may not even realize that you feel that way too. Either way, Thank God for breaking that illusion.

Because on the other side of that illusion is a miracle. On the other side of that illusion is God doing amazing things in your life. Whether it’s teaching you to wait or telling you it’s time to move.

I can’t say that the looking past the illusion is going to cure my Dad of his cancer. Or that my brother will get a miracle. Or that I’ll have the same friends this time next year. What breaking the illusion does is let you see God. It breaks away any feeling of distance you felt between you and God. Because suddenly, He is right there. Working away. Making sure everything turns out right.

God is more than the cancer, more than the calander, or even the distance. God is more than the people or the fear. I’m giving it all to God. God is making things happen. Even when I don’t see it. Even when I don’t feel it. God is working and with Him all things are possible. Even a little thing like life.




Obsessing, Coping, Hoping.

Obsessing, Coping, Hoping.

That’s kind of a weird title. I’m not sure I like it. Hmph. But it describes what I’m doing right now so… screw it. It stays.

Oh, where to begin? Ha. ha. Let’s start with the END of the title and work backwards from there. Why not?

Hoping. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but just to be sure we are going to go over it. My older brother, Matt, has stage 4 colon cancer. He has a wife and two sons (one of which is no longer with us). Without chemo he has six months or less, with chemo he has two years. He has been doing chemo for two or three months now. On the 21st, he is having a scan done to see what is happening with the innumerable masses in his body. We are praying, hoping, that they will have shrunk and that it will be good news. Fingers crossed.

At the same time, I am coping with the fact that there is a very big chance that it will not be good news. They grew four times their original size in three weeks. He went 4 months without chemo, while healing from the many emergency surgeries. He has a fifty/fifty chance of making it to two years. Oi. So, yeah… hoping for the best expecting the worse, hoping for the best. Story of my life.

On a completely unrelated subject, and mainly because I feel like that all I ever talk about on here is serious stuff, let’s talk obsessing.

Right now, I am marathoning Doctor Who. The new one. So many feelings. OH! THIS MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS! YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!

Oh, Doctor Who… The Doctor. My doctor is and always will be David Tennant. Ten and Rose. Eleven and River. All the feelings! Oh, but let’s not forget Nine! I love Christopher Eccleston as The Doctor! Anyways, that’s what I’m obsessing right now… In fact, basically at any given point in the wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff, I am obsessing something BBC. When I insult people I call them Daleks or Anderson.

My mom asked me a question if I had to choose between Benedict Cumberbatch or David Tennant, who would I pick? After a moment of panic at having to choose, I made my decision. David Tennant. His hair. His smile. His hair. The fact that he is The Doctor. His hair. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Benedict. But if I had to choose, I would have to pick David Tennant. Who would you choose and why?