Worn

Worn

My life is NOT falling apart.

My life is NOT out of God’s control.

My life is NOT Godforsaken.

It only feels like it.

Where do I start?  The beginning sounds good, eh?

My life has never been ‘easy’. We don’t do ‘easy’ in my family. But it all began to fall apart two years ago. Papa (grandpa) had something happen and he couldn’t walk. It was a disaster. We still aren’t sure what happened. It’s long and complicated. I could use a whole blog to explain everything that’s happened with him. We’ll discuss the newest thing in a minute. Anyway, we dealt with that for a little over a year. Then I spranged my ankle at my 16th birthday party in January. Severely. Three months on crutches. Awesome. Finally, get over that and my big brother (who is only 30) finds out that he has cancer. That was in April. Over the next months it becomes very aggressive. Stage 4. Multiple emergency surgeries. Without chemo it’s 6 months or less. With chemo two years. Hopefully. In all that chaos my Dad has a two foot blood clot in his leg. Part of which traveled to his lungs. Two days after that we lost my nephew five days before he was due to be born. All that within four months. Along with multiple trips down to Tennessee where my brother lives. We are spending a lot of money we don’t have to be there. Trying to be as cheap as we can.So, yeah, we’re broke. Oh, and my aunt and uncle got a divorce. by choice of my aunt. Who had an affair. OH! And my ten year old cousin had a stint put in his heart because he was getting next to no blood flow in his lower half. And they found a hole in his heart and have to wait a period of time and if doesn’t heal or gets bigger they will have to do heart surgery.

That pretty much brings you up to yesterday. Today, we found out that part of Papa’s problem may be that he has Parkinson’s disease. Dad’s blood clot is not dissipating like they should be. They may have to put a stint in his vein.

Yep. That’s our lives right now. How are we suppose to deal with this? We are drowning. Death stalks us. Life hates us. Sorrow is our companion. Darkness surrounds us. How do you continue moving when everything is trying to drag you down?

     “Courage, dear heart” C.S. Lewis

This is my favorite quote. It is so simple. So eloquent. A plea that truly captures our heart’s desire. All we want is the courage to not give in. And there is only One who can give us the courage we need. “We cry out to Him and He hears us from His holy hill.” Only Jesus can give us what we need. He is the only one who knows exactly how we feel. Not just because He’s been there. But because He knows our every thought and feeling. It’s nice to not have to explain it to Him. He’s willing to come and just sit with us as we catch our breath. Or as we hide from the torment of bullets coming our way. He doesn’t expect us not to feel. He knows just what we need. And He knows just how to guide us out. We just have to focus on Him. And we will survive. Not only survive, but thrive. We will come out of these trials stronger than ever. If only we have faith. If only we trust. He sees the big plan. He doesn’t want this torment. But He won’t leave us alone either. He will suffer right there beside us. We are not alone. We are not forsaken. No matter how I feel. No matter how you feel. Know this:

Your life is not falling apart. It’s falling into place.

Your life is not out of God’s control. It’s just not in yours.

You life is not Godforsaken. God is right beside you. No matter what.

Never lose faith. Hope is a side effect of faith. God loves you. So much He sent His son. And He will not forsake you. These are your fire trials. The greater the flame, the greater the art. You are destined for amazing things. Never forget.

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